On this day…

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I knew this would be one of those weird days— the kind you look back on and think, “What the #%$& was that?” You know the feeling? That hallucinatory haze between dreaming and wakefulness… the confusion that comes when you watch a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio… or that uneasy feeling in your stomach when you eat too much queso.
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When I woke up this morning at 7am, it was pouring rain. The kind of rain that Californians only dream about— right before we go buy some hipster coffee and an inflatable raft at Home Depot. As the water filtered down the rain gutters like tinkling wind chimes, I lay in bed with one question in my mind: “Should I turn on the TV and watch the Inauguration coverage?

I fiddled around on my iPhone for a while and played Words with Friends. This is how I procrastinate. I had a momentary burst of excitement when I was able to use the letter X on a double word score. 32 points, baby.

Now, I felt ready to face the day. Girding my loins and feeling like Donald Trump on Cialis, I reached for the TV remote. I clicked it on…

…and was met with a big blue error message on the screen: “COMPLETE SIGNAL LOSS.”

It was raining so hard that my satellite dish was literally unable to get a signal.

I suddenly knew this was a message from a higher power. A higher power that didn’t want me to watch TV. It was like Morgan Freeman had come down from the heavens to warn Jim Carrey to stop being a selfish dickhead. I had seen Bruce Almighty— I knew what this meant.

I turned off the malfunctioning TV and had some breakfast. While eating my fiber-tastic English muffin, I decided to do the one thing that used to help me process things when I was a kid. To write out whatever fact was bothering me— ten times in a row. It used to work really well, even back in 1990 when Disney cancelled my favorite-television-show-of-all-time, DuckTales. So, this morning, I tried it again.

Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.

And so it is.

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